I wasn’t aware for an extended time what speaking your truth was. I’m unable to express how many times I asked myself , “What does that mean?” I was bewildered despite hearing this numerous times over the years. I would ask God, “What is my truth?”
I intuitively knew as a child that my life had a purpose even though, until now I didn’t know what that motivation would be. In fact, as a young child I felt others emotions and wanted to help people. I didn’t realize that I made a habit of abandoning my own needs and felt overwhelmed when others were in emotional distress. It was as if I was taking on their emotions. It came naturally to me to be there for people however, it left me feeling often depleted. I had nothing left to give myself and needed help occasionally to have balance in my own life. I would take on to many things and this created anxiety. I rarely asked for help and something I have worked on overtime.
It wasn’t until around a year ago that I finally had to take a step away from my established life. The life I had become accustomed to. I needed to make the effort to gain insight into taking care of my needs additionally. I knew most would not understand because I was so available before I did this. I started making time for me and this has been a true blessing.
This was the beginning stages of my truth. I needed to start taking better care of me personally and I took the first step. This was not easy as I felt I was needing to explain myself. This was of my own doing. It was uncomfortable because I was accustomed to trying to make everyone else happy. This made me feel guilty however, I started to work through those feelings. I began to say a difficult word for me, “no,” and saying this has felt uncomfortable at times. Practice makes perfect and I am now able to say this small yet gargantuan word when I feel I need to. I could tell it made some feel I was neglecting them. It wasn’t that I cared less for people but it was me being kind to myself by ensuring I wasn’t continuing to overextend myself. People don’t like change most of the time because we get into comfort zones. I made the decision to jump out of my contentment and make an adjustment in life.
I began doing things on my own such as eating by myself in a restaurant, reading a book at a book store, taking drives around town, and watching minimal television. This gave me the time to explore what I really liked, reflect on who I was and decide where I wanted to be. I commenced in getting to know myself more and got a clear picture of what I desired in life.
I have come to appreciate knowing you have to be true to yourself right where you are. There are those that may not be where I have emerged and may not appreciate my process. It’s not up to me to stress about making sure everyone comprehends my journey. I just need to feel happy with who I am, where I have arrived, and where I plan to go.
I am still progressing, still have a passion for serving others, and enjoy socializing when I can. The difference is I no longer ignore my needs. I enjoy my life more and it feels less chaotic. I have more confidence within myself and it allows me to be more authentic than I have ever been.
It has felt selfish and foreign to me at times yet, I have learned to come out of my comfort zone. This wisdom was the first step in reorganizing my life. I look in the mirror and see the person reflecting back at me and smile. I am proud of who I have grown to be. Loving others helped me to love myself and for this I’m so grateful.
I describe life as THE PAINTING OF MY LIFE. I am living it instead of stressing it. I like the woman I have become and looking forward to the woman I will continue to discover. I paint my life everyday and I like the painting before me. I change the colors often and it’s the best art money didn’t buy. My life is priceless and so is yours. I now know I love to paint and look forward to the new canvas each day. Thank you God.