The Painting Of My Life:

I wasn’t aware for an extended time what speaking your truth was.  I’m unable to  express how many times I asked myself , “What does that mean?”  I was bewildered despite hearing this numerous times over the years.  I would ask God, “What is my truth?”

I intuitively knew as a child that my life had a purpose even though, until now I didn’t know what that motivation would be.  In fact, as a young child I felt others emotions and wanted to help people.  I didn’t realize that I made a habit of abandoning my own needs and felt overwhelmed when others were in emotional distress.  It was as if I was taking on their emotions.   It came naturally to me to be there for people however, it left me feeling often depleted.  I had nothing left to give myself and needed help occasionally to have balance in my own life.  I would take on to many things and this created anxiety.  I rarely asked for help and something I have worked on overtime.

It wasn’t until around a year ago that I finally had to take a step away from my established life. The life I had become accustomed to. I needed to make the effort to gain insight into taking care of my needs additionally.  I knew most would not understand because I was so available before I did this.  I started making time for me and this has been a true blessing.

This was the beginning stages of my truth.  I needed to start taking better care of me personally and I took the first step.  This was not easy as I felt I was needing to explain myself.  This was of my own doing.   It was uncomfortable because I was accustomed to trying to make everyone else happy.  This made me feel guilty however, I started to work through those feelings.  I began to say a difficult word for me, “no,” and saying this has felt  uncomfortable at times.  Practice makes perfect and I am now able to say this small yet gargantuan word when I feel I need to.  I could tell it made some feel I was neglecting them.  It wasn’t that I cared less for people but it was me being kind to myself by ensuring I wasn’t continuing to overextend myself.  People don’t like change most of the time because we get into comfort zones.  I made the decision to jump out of my contentment and make an adjustment in life.

I began doing things on my own such as eating by myself in a restaurant, reading a book at a book store, taking drives around town, and watching minimal television.  This gave me the time to explore what I really liked, reflect on who I was and decide where I wanted to be.   I commenced in getting to know myself more and got a clear picture of what I desired in life.

I have come to appreciate knowing you have to be true to yourself right where you are. There are those that may not be where I have emerged and may not appreciate my process.  It’s not up to me to stress about making sure everyone comprehends my journey.  I just need to feel happy with who I am,  where I have arrived, and where I plan to go.

I am still progressing, still have a passion for serving others, and enjoy socializing when I can.  The difference is I  no longer ignore my needs.  I enjoy my life more and it feels less chaotic.  I have more confidence within myself and it allows me to be more authentic than I have ever been.

It has felt selfish and foreign to me at times yet, I have learned to come out of my comfort zone. This wisdom was the first step in reorganizing my life.  I look in the mirror and see the person reflecting back at me and smile.  I am proud of who I have grown to be.  Loving others helped me to love myself and for this I’m so grateful.

I describe life as THE PAINTING OF MY LIFE.  I am living it instead of stressing it.   I like the woman I have become and looking forward to the woman I will continue to discover.  I paint my life everyday and I like the painting before me.  I change the colors often and it’s the best art money didn’t buy.  My life is priceless and so is yours.  I now know I love to paint and look forward to the new canvas each day.  Thank you God.

Jennifer

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