The narcissist and their coterie:

You may wonder how things work with the narcissist and their friends they surround themselves with. If the narcissists in the world are such horrible people how then do they have friends? Why do the greater, upper Mid-Range and Mid-Range narcissists (terms used by: HG Tudor seem to be well liked and admired a lot of the time? The short answer is they aren’t around these people 24/7 and the facade is well protected.

The narcissist knows how to target and choose their so called friends as well. They may actually have something in common and therefore the narcissist will engage with them during those events. However, the narcissist is always playing a game. In their minds they are better than these people or they plan to be. They are trait seekers and will decide which people serve their purposes better.

There will be different groups the narcissist moves within. These people may be one of them however, the narcissist sees themselves as superior and hang out with them for personal gain. It may be that they are flying monkeys. These are people the narcissist uses to do their dirty work. These people may not realize they are used for these purposes. They think the narcissist wants to be their friend and delights to hang out with someone like them. They also have their own needs and it somehow makes them feel more important to be associated with someone like this. The narcissist may be well sought after in the community. These friends may not be inserted into the main coterie of the narcissist as they may embarrass the narcissist in some way but they are great for helping keep the facade up by even protecting the narcissist in times they are needed. They will sing the praises of the narcissist if someone tries to say something about the them that isn’t well liked. They may run around and do errands the narcissist finds demeaning for themselves, they may get information about something or someone for them, or even lend them money. This makes them feel special to the narcissist if they are approved of. Both needs are met between the two therefore the bond is created. The narcissist is using the so called friend for their own purposes and delights that this person does as they wish. This even takes place at times without even being asked. The narcissist may slip in covertly in conversation what they need and carry on to another topic just to see how the so called friend responds. Not knowing they are being manipulated these people will offer or just mingle out to do the dirty work for the narcissist. They do this to gain favor with them. They don’t feel used because they have something to gain themselves by it. They aren’t superior to the narcissist as they are manipulated and the false mask is preserved because they are making the friend feel important. They are in a sense. They are used and easily manipulated therefore stay in good standing with the narcissist .

The narcissist wants to be the best and has plans of greatness. In order to achieve this they must groom those that they wish to steal traits from. This means those people are treated well. They get the best attention and the narcissist will even do favors for them to get them to find them favorable. This means even family members can be slighted if it means the narcissist gains what they desire from the friends. The facade to the outside world is more important to the narcissist. How they appear outwardly is the desired outcome.

They will hang out with people of high status or even higher status to then prove they can achieve more power than those people by gaining their ideas, contacts, and money to achieve their aims of power. This feels good to the narcissist as it is the power that surges through them as they see they can easily manipulate even those like them to do what they want. This is ultimate power and control and makes them feel very important . These people also have things to gain by being friends with the narcissist as they can be one of their kind as well. They can gain business, contacts and special treatment by complying to the narcissists needs. They also uphold the narcissists facade even if they know the narcissist isn’t exactly of the best character. They ignore this for their own aims as they also may have a facade to keep in place.

Then there are the friends the narcissist rarely sees but still keeps in the loop. On occasion they may be let in for a short period to the coterie. This may only be at a function and done to make the friends less seen feel important and stay in contact. The narcissist needs the web to stay full so at times everyone will be granted access to the narcissists world at one time to make sure the ties are not broken. The narcissist has many appliances working for them. In order to keep them up and running, they understand some energy must be put out for that to happen.

These appliances or so called friends are brought in at different times and don’t realize they are being used and in some cases don’t care. They have their own agenda whether subconscious or not. As long as these friends/appliances work properly for the narcissist they will stay in some form of good standing.

If they step out of line and begin to fail the needs of the narcissist they can be put on a shelf for later use, be put in a corrective devaluation until they prove to be worthy again, or discarded all together.

You never really know where you stand with the narcissist. No matter who you are you are being smeared behind your back to others as you move between black and white thinking with them. You may not hear about it as others are protecting the narcissist to stay in favor but believe that you are.

No matter how good of a friend you think you may be, NEVER get to comfortable. The narcissist sees you as a puppet and will cut those strings and let you fall at any given moment. Fall you will, so be aware.

The unknown truth once revealed:

It can take a long time for you to unravel the truth of things with the narcissist. It is one of the most painful things when you discover just how much you have been lied to. You will revisit memories as you piece the puzzle together in complete disbelief .

I understand this pain as it is so devastating to realize it was all one huge fabrication. You may ask yourself why many times. Why would this person pretend to love me? What did they have to gain? How could all those months or years be one huge lie? You will want to disbelieve it. You will cry and feel depressed. You will be embarrassed and feel humiliated. You will wonder who knew and said nothing. You will question who you can trust and you will grieve the death of an illusion that was presented to you for a long time.

It seemed so real didn’t it? They said they loved you and you were their dream come true. They liked so much about you and made you feel like you were the center of their universe, until they didn’t. Once that switch was flipped you began to see things weren’t so wonderful in OZ anymore.

Now, you are told you are controlling or better yet expecting them to change who they are. You are made to feel you are the bad guy because you voiced your concerns. You can bet you are and have been smeared to others to look as if you were the problem long before the truth came out.

You now know they were sleeping around with someone else or others. You know it was a relationship everyone knew about. You had some suspicions as you were treated differently as you were pushed and pulled in the relationship. You now know why. You know they were with her right after leaving you and visa versa. You wonder if they said and did the same exact things with the other person. The answer you come to know is yes. You are overwhelmed with pain. You just can’t bring yourself to acknowledge this is real. It must be a nightmare and you want to wake up.

You are awake and all of this is real. You don’t and won’t ever know everything. You don’t even need to as it only serves to hurt you more. It will keep you in a state of seeking answers from the one person who will never truly give them to you unless, it gains them something.

You could stay stuck for years. They want you to stay stuck as it makes them feel powerful knowing they were so great you couldn’t move on. This is the ultimate control and power. They feel omnipotent. They feel God like.

If you continue to ride the roller coaster for the rush you will lose who you are. You can get to a point you look in the mirror and question where you went. You forget how happy you were before them. They want you when they decide and for reasons you can hardly understand. It isn’t to love you, it is to take what you can give them or those around you they need to get close to. They have plans and if you gain them access to get to where they want to be then they will use you. If you give them what they want in a moment to get what they need in that time they will use you. They orchestrate everything long before you ever could imagine.

What of the relationship before you? The one before that? Even the ones before? They all end the same destructive way. They blame everyone else for their issues and most likely because they felt those people were trying to change them.

Your partner didn’t care they were changing you. They didn’t see their behavior as controlling. You were controlling by trying to bring balance. You were an interrogator by asking them questions. You were the problem and when you were they wanted to get away from you. These were them reacting based on their feelings not by facts.

You progressed based on facts. Yet, if asking the narcissist to be honest you must understand that depending on how you ask the question will depend on how you get your truth. If you ask them if they are sleeping with someone else the answer will be based on that given moment. To them if they did yesterday but decided today it was over with that person the answer will be no. To them this is a fact based on how they feel right then. In the moment you feel some relief. You want to believe them as your brain wants to protect you from feeling pain. The narcissist knows this and expects you to believe them as they give their answers with no shame, guilt or fear.

Once you gain the real truth you will revisit those conversations with disbelief as they seemed so loving towards you when they spoke. They even may have future faked you to give you a glimmer of hope you can revive the relationship to what it once was. Yes, it was once beautiful wasn’t it? They may even give you a respite period and treat you the way they once did. You fall for it again as they knew you would to buy them time. You are thrown off the threshold again and angry with yourself for giving them another chance.

I know you try to hold onto your dignity. I can feel your pain. I don’t have to hear your story as I lived it. I am you and you are me. They chose people like us because they studied those like us their entire lives. They know exactly how you will react. There are many the narcissist is using for their own gain. They have a plan. The problem is you are just a piece of the game they are playing to get to where they want to be.

They want you to play the game as you give them power. You think you can win but what do you think you will win? Is your ego now taking over your logical thinking? How happy have you really been? Have you cried now more over the narcissist than you have felt happy with them? Get honest with yourself. What do they have to offer you? You have seen what they have to give. Is it your ego you are fighting or do you really believe they make you happy. It’s time to realize the beginning of the relationship was a lie and the rest of it was the truth. You know that but your ego doesn’t want to accept it.

There is someone out there who will love you and never want you to hurt. You deserve to be honored, respected, loved and cherished. You have just been blindsided by darkness of a person who isn’t truly happy. They aim to steal your joy to make themselves feel power (better). Without that they would be forced to look at who they really are. They can’t risk that so there will always be others. You will never be enough for a narcissist.

When will you decide to stop being a game piece and find real peace by living your dream instead of living in a continuous nightmare . Do you want to continue to dream or do you choose to live? The power is really yours to choose. You actually win if you stop playing. The choice is yours. Game over…..

The safe:

When meeting someone for the first time as an empath it can feel natural to want to share everything about yourself . This is something you should try to hold back from doing. You are friendly, loving and trusting however, you must be careful as not everyone is so kind.

There are people out there expecting this from you. They target you knowing your beautiful traits and they want to steal them from you. I know it’s hard to imagine this but it’s true. You as a trusting person project that onto others believing everyone can be trusted until proven otherwise. This is a beautiful quality but if not careful could cause you grief in time.

You could be a model employee looking for that new promotion you deserve. You work tirelessly on projects to prove yourself worthy of gaining that new title. There are people who will take credit for your work or undermine you behind your back. They may even get you to do some of their work with pity plays knowing you are a helping colleague . They see your value and exploit it by using you to gain notoriety within the company. They will never say what a great team player you are to take advantage of your good traits. If you openly say you are going to apply for the new position they could go behind the scenes to discredit you, if they are silently also going for the new job. You could find yourself scrambling to prove they have lied and the promotion could go to the snake that used you to get that job promotion. You will then begin to feel resentment and it can show in your performance as you realized you were used.

If you are interested in dating someone new and mention it to a group of people and one is wearing a false mask this scenario could also take place. The fake person could spread lies to others getting it to go to the person you are interested in. The person you wanted to date may then perceive you to be different than they may have thought. The next thing you know the toxic person in the group is now grooming the very person you were hoping to get a date with. This is because they see it as a game and need to prove they are better than you. This can deflate your confidence in yourself.

You may pitch a great business idea to someone in hopes of great feedback to find they decided to take your idea and run with it for their own benefit. You came up with the idea but they take it as their own stealing another trait from you. They give you no credit, non of the profits and then ignore you. Exasperated you could feel betrayed and lose out on profiting from something you had been planning for yourself.

You have a light that shines bright and energy that beams far and wide. These toxic people can see that in you and want what you have. They can and will slither their way into your life to gain your contacts, friends and ideas to then bolt as soon as their timing is right. You could be left standing wondering how this all happened feeling betrayed by someone you admired and trusted.

If you have money in the bank you may offer to help those in need or even express what you plan to do with it. If a person like this gets wind of it they may befriend you to gain access to what you have. If you allow this out of the goodness of your heart they could drain your accounts with promises of a financial gain only to never see that or them again once depleted.

You must protect yourself and it doesn’t seem right. You are a good and decent person so why would anyone want to hurt you by taking advantage of you? They will because they are not like you. They will pretend to be a loving , caring and a giving person mirroring back at you what you are. This is to deceive you into thinking you can trust these people with everything you have. It is a con.

You can be devastated by those that are not decent people who use others for their own personal gain. By the time their mask has come off and you see who they really are, they have run off with your ideas, money and traits to deceive their next victims. You will be left empty handed feeling abandoned by someone you should have never trusted in the first place. They don’t care and you gave your power to them while they left you feeling powerless.

Keep things tight to your chest and allow people to earn the right to sit at your table. Don’t assume because you are a good person they are. You must understand that there are people out there banking on you to automatically trust them.

The safe is where you must keep your belongings as the evil is standing near by to steal from you.

Be an owl and see what is all around you:

You are a truth seeker. You have been bonded with a toxic person and you sense your reality with them is different outside the bubble. Maybe you heard something that doesn’t coincide with what you know your relationship to be. This couldn’t be or could it?

You wait and say nothing to the person you are in the relationship with. Your thoughts are clouded as you try to make excuses. You want to believe this person is who they have appeared to be. Anxiety creeps in as you on one hand question the people coming to you with gossip and want to believe it couldn’t be true.

How then do you get your answers? You know if you ask your partner it could cause issues for you, yet if you seek answers elsewhere you can look crazy. What do you do?

Not only have I been in this situation I have had truth seekers reach out to me in my past. Either way it is an uncomfortable situation to be in. Your cognitive dissonance will cloud your inner alarm system. This can keep you up at night and create instability within your life if you are not careful.

In my past I have waited and watched for others signs before approaching the person I was involved with. Once I did reveal what was told or what I knew, I waited for a response that would hopefully shred all doubt. I would feel guilty at times for even second guessing this persons integrity. I wanted to believe them and still think highly of them.

Once upon a time I would buy into the answers I would get from the person I was in a relationship with. I chose to believe them and move forward looking at others as people who wanted to cause problems. Unfortunately, later I would be proven wrong.

For a victim it can cause serious trust issues. You can feel like you can never trust someone again as the lies told before were so grandiose and believable. You no longer trust your own judgement and this also creates resentment.

I have had truth seekers reach out to me. They want to know if I have ever dated the person they are involved with. I can say with certainty each time the answer was No. I would hear that they were told I had a relationship of some kind from their partner. This if true makes me a victim of triangulation. Why would someone lie to their partner saying they had some relationship with me when they hadn’t? The short answer is to make their partner feel they were wanted by another to keep them working harder for their attention. This is to build themselves up and make them appear a catch so the victim is afraid of losing them. In turn the victim not only has anxiety from thinking others are interested in their mate, they are comparing themselves and pushing to be better.

This is so toxic and one tactic used to manipulate a persons mind. Your alarm bells will go off if you feel things are off with someone toxic. A victim should listen to their own body for signals. If you are questioning your relationship there is a problem to be addressed. It may be that you are in an unhealthy relationship or that you have to deal with why you feel this way. Things won’t get better if buried as you could begin to resent your partner more and or the trust issues will gain momentum.

Healthy people don’t have things to hide in their partnerships. There is open communication, respect for each other, and able to share their feelings without fear no matter what they are. If in a toxic relationship none of these things are present. You will know the difference by listening to your own body signals. Example, if you feel you can’t approach your partner about anything upsetting you (right or wrong) because you fear the relationship will break up, there’s a warning sign the relationship isn’t healthy.

It does seem unfair that trust issues come from being with someone who lies about pretty much everything to get their needs met. However, there are many decent people in the world that have a good character about them. Once you value yourself the ones that don’t won’t want to seek after you. The ones that see your worth will come forward and you can build a healthy relationship on a foundation that is stable.

Will you choose to stand in a body full of anxiety trying to prove your worth to someone who only seeks to prove theirs through others? Will you claim your worth and couple with someone who knows their own and can value you and the relationship? You have the power to choose.

It’s time to get to know you and decide.

Coming out of the fog:

I know what it’s like to go through the fog and feel you are sifting through your emotions. You can’t see in any direction and need time for a path to clear. After a discard from a narcissistic relationship you can feel very confused.

Whether you left for clarity or they did by a disappearing act you will feel depleted of energy and need to distance yourself and go within for a time. This will help you to get grounded.

Narcissists do things in a way that leave you feeling stuck. It’s best to stay away from anyone or anything that triggers emotions about this person until you get through the fog. If you don’t it can stir up emotions that continue to keep you stagnant in a chaotic mindset.

Narcissists are very selfish people that don’t consider your feelings as they are to consumed with there own. They react to their feelings based on any giving moment. Whatever they are feeling in those moments are their truths and stories they have created to protect them. It can seem selfish and like they have no emotions but they do and just have a different reality than yourself.

You can’t change the mindset of a narcissist if they are in this headspace. It is best for you to not seek answers from them as you won’t get the clarity you are looking for. This will keep you from moving forward.

I know this is difficult as we are truth seekers and need closure to heal. You can get closure if you can accept who you have been dealing with and understand they don’t care about your feelings as they are consumed in their own emotions.

Take the time given to you to move forward and decide not to look backward.  The path is being cleared for you to go forward. Everything is happening for a good reason even if you can’t see what’s before you.

You can rest and clear your thoughts during this time. You will regain perspective and get strength to do what you need to for you. In the relationship with the narcissist you were giving everything you had to them. They did not appreciate you or what you were giving to them. They are selfish people who have a high sense of entitlement. They take what you gave of yourself for granted because they expect it and don’t consider your needs.

Give to yourself now all you have gifted to them and watch your life begin to change. You will regain your strength, a positive self image and attract other people better for you in your life. Surround yourself with individuals who will respect you, your time, and your grace.  Let the narcissist go and don’t turn back or you will get looped in a toxic cycle again that never gets any better.

There are those who will want to spend their time with you that you may not have noticed before. When you let go of the dead weight that has been holding you back from your own desires in life, you will begin to see the clearing for your new destination.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You are loving, loyal, and giving. You did your best for someone who didn’t deserve what you had to offer. They weren’t in a place to truly receive the gifts they were blessed with from you and don’t understand the blessings of truly giving back with an open heart.

They have their own lessons to learn in life and if they choose to stay stuck then let them. You have the power to move forward and gain the lessons from the experience to move into a healthier , happier, and successful place. This was a gift even if it hasn’t appeared that way.

The world has so much to offer you if you will allow yourself to grow through the lessons given to you in life. You can stay in a space of resentment or forgive for yourself and move into the next chapter of the story of your life.

If you want your dreams to come true take the steps forward and allow yourself to move through your feelings. You weren’t rejected as it may feel this way. You were protected by something higher than you. It was something that needed to happen so you would grow from the experience and get to where you are destined to be. You have the gift of hope and use that gift now to believe that you deserve the best life has to offer you.

Open your heart to receive and don’t give to those who can’t appreciate you. Give to yourself now, empower yourself and pay attention to all the blessings you have been missing as you have been to focused on the narcissist.

Until next time 💜

Trauma Bonds that are developed in a narcissistic relationship:

Trauma bonds are a biological and emotional trap as it produces chemicals in the body such as cortisol and dopamine.  A trauma bond is made by the highs of the love-bombing stage and abruptly changing to the devaluation stage, creating a serious low. This continued cycle causes and imbalance to the bodies system. The inconsistency keeps people off balance and seeking to regain the high by going back to their abuser.

Hormones being released into the body help form the addiction.  High levels of cortisol a stress hormone is released into the body when the affection ends and then dopamine is released when affection is returned.  Seeking to regain the high the victim will try to win back the affection of their abuser.  People become addicted to the cycles of the chaos and drama which creates a bonding effect.  If this type of bonding occurred during childhood, you may find that these people choose partners as a adults that mirror the environments they had growing up.  If drama is absent both parties can feel unloved as they have been conditioned from an early age to believe this is how real love feels.  The mind will believe you love this person once bonded however, it is actually an addiction caused by the chemical process within the body.

 People must be able to heal the trauma bond in order to completely move on from the toxic relationship.  This bond can keep a person stuck in a cycle as the conditioning is so strong that it is confused with feeling like love.  This can happen in any type of relationship and confusing for the person entangled and the supporters of the victims. Trauma bonds are hard to break.  It keeps people in relationships that are toxic even if they understand they should leave.  

A victim will seek to reconnect with their abuser to relieve their pain in the moment,  just like an alcoholic will crave their alcohol and break sobriety.   This is one of the toughest things for victims and their supporters to understand when trying to break free from a toxic relationship. They may feel a sense of relief one day and have severe anxiety the next.  They will feel a strong pull to reach out to their abuser to release the anxiety they feel for that high to return. It  is no different from a drug addict going through the withdrawal process and why difficult for victims and supporters to understand.  Accepting this is an addiction for the victims and their support system can help with the recovery process.  Recognizing this is not love but an addiction to a chaotic lifestyle that is toxic is a step toward the healing process.  This will take time.  Understanding this and not reaching out to the abuser will help the body to regulate itself.  Victims can then begin to heal and move toward a healthier mindset.

 A victim can feel shame, guilt, and low self-esteem when repeating the push-pull pattern with their abuser.  They understand it isn’t healthy logically but the pull is so strong to go back that they feel a sense of powerlessness.  The victim will begin to lose a sense of self and can become enmeshed with their abuser as their boundaries have been ignored or not kept in place.  This causes the victim to lose confidence in themselves and lose trust in their own judgement.  Victims are likely to blame themselves for all the problems as they have been gaslit along with other manipulative tactics.

 Whether the abuser has discarded their victim or the victim is trying to leave a toxic relationship, you (the victim) must go and stay NO CONTACT.  Going NO CONTACT is a step needed to heal from the trauma bond.  Many people don’t understand what NO CONTACT actually means.  It isn’t easy but necessary as emotional thinking can convince you to go back.


This means:

NO PHONE CALLS, NO TEXT, NO EMAILS, NOT SHOWING UP WHERE THEY MIGHT BE, LEAVNG IF THEY SHOW UP, BLOCKING ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA and CHANGING JOBS OR PLACE OF RESIDENCE IF NECESSARY.  This seems unfair yet, if you truly want to heal you will do whatever steps it takes to do so.  If you don’t follow the NO CONTACT rules, you can be drawn back in to the relationship or chaos by allowing your emotional thinking to over-ride your logic. 

Once in No Contact give the victim or yourself as the victim,  some compassion as it’s not easy to break an addiction.  If the victim reverts back one day forgive that and try again.  This will be frustrating as it is a process as the victim will feel the urge to reach out for that high.  Getting through the lows is difficult so allow the time and space to do it.  Acknowledge feelings as they arise as they are valid. The victim will feel crazy as they are in a fog and can’t process things when in an emotional state.

Finding ways to help handle these feelings can be helpful.  Journaling can be one way to express emotions by purging them out mentally and emotionally on paper. Returning to the  journal after a few months, can show the progress made and will feel validating for the victim.

 Clarity of what the victim has been dealing with will help them rediscover themselves.  As the victim, Be kind to yourself as you head into a healthier place.  Being in a non-toxic pattern may seem boring at first as there was conditioning to the chaotic lifestyle.  Understanding this and committing to happiness will be worth the struggle it takes to get through this.

 This information is important for the supporters and the victims of those in unhealthy relationships.  Recovering from a trauma bond that is an addiction takes time and patience.  You can’t rush the process and heal over-night.  It will be different for each victim and understanding this is important for everyone involved.

Continue reading “Trauma Bonds that are developed in a narcissistic relationship:”